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I haven't felt so ... I was going to say grounded, but then I realised I still feel unreal. I don't know. I've been feeling more disconnected recently - I went into such a deep series of thoughts earlier that when I came out, I'd forgotten who I was, where I was, and what day it was. But then, I also feel incredibly stable right now, because I saw all the old crowd again. Andy, Don, Muzzle, Zoe, Karen. And it made me feel familiar again, if you catch my drift. I recognised old feelings, and it centred me a little bit. I still feel like I could fly away at any minute. Tags: thoughts
Current Location: My room
Current Mood:  contemplative
Current Music: Pink Floyd
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Why am I writing another entry when sweet fuck all has happened? Because I'm meant to be writing that damn history essay. I've written two sentences. They're good ones, but. And I got my mum's old record player - it's just been played for the first time in 17 years. Well, the CD/radio/cassette parts have been played. The record player, which is the only bit I actually wanted, is missing the stylus, and it costs about £40 min. for a new one. I could get a whole new turntable for that. So yeah. But it's so cool. It's just sitting there, above the Guns 'n' Roses flag, looking ultra cool and oh-so-80s. I don't really know why that decade appeals to me so much. But it freaking rocks. Current Location: My room, with the broken record player
Current Mood:  restless
Current Music: Robin Beck <3
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Left uni at 11 today - there was absolutely nothing to do. Registered, got my card (picture's not too bad for once), went to Freshers' Fayre and got bombarded by leaflets. Some sound pretty good - unfortunately they're nearly all on Wednesday nights, which I already can't do. Refused to let myself go to the record store - I bought 7 vinyls and a CD yesterday - because I worked out that it's gonna cost me about £60 to get to and from uni every week, and then obviously another £20 or so for work at weekends. Almost a hundred a week ... no wonder students are in permanent debt. Flowers in the window ... I'm listening to Travis in case you hadn't realised. Love Travis. Fran is A GOD!! Met a few interesting people yesterday - struggled today. Probably because yesterday we were all waiting outside a lecture theatre, so conversation just seemed natural. Not so today. Didn't even see Valerie, Cara, Calum, Sam etc. Saw Steven, but I felt bad about going to say hi to other people when I was having a conversation with him - it would've felt rude, but I regret not speaking to more people. Got an invite to meet up with someonen again - met them once before, and we've been texting each other for a while. He's suggesting meeting up, and I'm up for that. Just hoping he isn't looking for more than friendship - I'm not ready to move on yet. Union is fantastic - never been drunk at 2 on a Monday afternoon before. Live jazz music, pub quizzes, and drinking contests seem a little surreal at that time of day. But being rather tipsy and using escalators is a helluva lot of fun. XD I don't even think there's any point writing this anymore - it's not like anyone actually reads it, and I'm not getting any feedback. All it is is me. That feels kinda lonely. Been going into wee dwams every so often. Usually gets me quite depressed as well. Noticed that around some people I'm hyper, happy and optimistic; round others I'm pessimistic and easily depressed. You might say that that means the first group are the people who're best for me. I don't think so - the second group consists of my closest friends and exes (when we were still together). Makes me think that maybe this hyper happy first person is wearing a mask - the second person is really me - it's just that I feel more comfortable letting that depressed, depressing character roam free when I'm with people I'm happier to be around and show my true self to. Or maybe I've got it all wrong. I don't know. I'm not sure I care at the moment. I will someday - I want to know myself inside out and back to front - but right now I'm in a bit of a rut and really couldn't give a damn. If you type "ach fooey" into Google with inverted commas, most of the hits are my sites. =] Ha. Tags: general events, myself
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Travis - The Invisible Band album
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I can't remember the last time I felt so low. Well, actually I can - it was earlier this year when I discovered my best friend was self-harming and she refused to talk to me because I'd uncovered her secret. Also had exams and got back into the self-harm myself. Was suicidal for several months actually. I'm back there again. Not the suicidal self-harming bit, but the constant downer. Wanna know why? Sunday - A girl I went to school with died suddenly on Sunday morning - she threw up in her sleep and choked.
Monday morning before work - I got told that a family friend who I've known for about ten years has cancer and it's too late to be treated.
Thursday night - a group I've helped at for four years got told we're being shut down, which means that the qualifications I've been working towards have been lost because I can't continue them anywhere else - a helluva lot of work wasted.
Friday - Steffi's funeral. Also had to work in the evening so I missed a party I've been looking forward to for a few weeks.
This morning before work - Mark and I broke up.
There you are. That's been my week. Any one of those would get me upset - all of it together? I just can't deal with it. I've started thinking into things a lot, and it's depressing me. Like with Steffi - she wasn't actually drunk when she went to sleep on Saturday night, just slightly tipsy. It made me realise that any of us could go to sleep one night and just not wake up in the morning. Consequently, I'm surviving on the least amount of sleep I can, because I don't want to risk putting my friends and family in the same position as Steffi's at the moment. I'm also filling a notebook for them to read in case I do suddenly die - listing all the reasons why I love them, and reminding them of all the old memories. Maybe slightly morbid, but working on it's keeping me going. Mark ... we broke up 8 weeks to the day that we started going out, and we broke up simply because we weren't making time to see each other. I'm okay with that - but I see so many similarities between this relationship and mine and Andy's relationship that it scares me. The reason we ended up splitting up both times was that we just didn't see each other enough; it was all ended by text both times; and my relationship with Mark lasted only two days longer than my relationship with Andy. I'm just feeling that I'm destined to only ever have short relationships, because the guys always shy away when it gets a while into it - I think the commitment just scares them. But yeah, the fact that Mark and I broke up doesn't depress me that much, although I miss him already - the depressing thing is the idea that I might never find someone. I mean, it's not like I'm asking for much - I don't want someone to be with me every single day and do everything for me - I just want someone that I love and that loves me to be there for me - to give me a hug when I need one, to talk to me and make me feel better, to be a best friend as well as a partner. Is that really too much to ask for? Am I really that hard to love? But I'm feeling so low right now that I actually feel okay - I know there's no way this week could get any worse, so for once I'm being quite optimistic and believing it can all only get better. Tags: general events, mark
Current Location: My room
Current Mood:  okay
Current Music: TV - X Factor auditions
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